 Backwards. Rearwards. Back to front. In reverse. Toward the rear. Inverted. Guys. Life has never been stranger. As I have put my finger on the pulse of emotions since the beginning of everything Covid, the rhythm, to my ears, sounds something like this: frenzied panic, fear, grief, grief, more grief, and now, finally, an exhalation and a quiet waiting. By quiet waiting I mean the kind of waiting that comes before a hurricane touches down, the kind where you do everything you know to prepare, mentally and physically, but you have no clue when the storm will hit, for how long, or what sort of havoc will follow. All this has gotten me thinking, a lot. I bet you’ve been thinking too. I’ve been pondering my thinking and its own inherent backwardness. Like,: My Focus on Lack Because nothing is ever good enough. Nothing is ever enough enough. And it never will be. I have enough food, but I grieve the limited selection. I have a wonderful family, but I grieve the loss of “hanging out with friends”. I have a good marriage, yet I worry it will fall apart in the absence of dates. You know what happens when I focus on lack? I am blinded by it. I am blinded to both beauty and to pain. Because I am so lucky to have fun children and a best-friend husband. And yet shame on me if I sit all comfortable-ish in my little house with my sweet family and do not have an awareness that for so many this is a dark time filled with abuse and fear. Heaven forbid I sit here with plenty and do not have my eyes and hands open to the folks who are unsure where their next meal will come from or how they will pay their bills. May I not be blinded by my own privilege. Have you heard the explanations as to why Covid 19 is hitting communities of black people harder? They come close, too close, to blaming the extra-hard sickness strike on genetics. As blogger and podcaster Yolanda Williams points out in this excellent article, “Systemic racism has biological impacts on the health of black people.” Why? Because, “Stress from hypervigilance, microaggresions, code-switching, navigating the never-ending cascade of white tears and playing white fragility bingo also contribute to the biological effects of racism.” Williams goes on to cite a podcast episode in which she discusses the scientific basis of these claims with epidemiologist Dr. Theresa Chapple. I must open my eyes and my heart. I must see myself as part of the problem here. Can I also be part of the solution? And what are these terms Williams is referring to? What do they mean? Microaggresion: “the everyday verbal, nonverbal, and environmental slights, snubs, or insults, whether intentional or unintentional, which communicate hostile, derogatory, or negative messages to target persons based solely upon their marginalized group membership.” (https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/microaggressions-in-everyday-life/201011/microaggressions-more-just-race) I grew up overseas. I remember being a young girl and running around in a dress, long hair streaming behind me. Yet the folks in the country I was living in called me a boy. Why? Because I did not have my ears pierced, a cultural tradition which was the only accepted signifier of female gender. I grew tired of being mis-seen in this way, and begged my parents to pierce my ears so I could relax and quit having to explain who I really was all the time. I also recall, when, living in Bolivia as an adult, a woman declared, “You Americans have it so easy; when you cook, all you have to do is open cans of food and eat them.” Wow. Definitely a critique and a hard reminder of our privilege in America as well as, on the flip side, an insult. Funny, not funny. Microaggression, I think, is often unintentional and based on ignorance. I am guilty of it, for sure. It doesn’t hurt me, though, to think a little before I open my mouth, to remember that everyone has a right to autonomy and to speaking their own truth. Code-switching: “any behavior of adapting to fit a new set of rules”... People who are not born into the dominant white culture are often forced to code-switch in order to be seen, heard and respected. Read this article for some excellent examples and explanations: https://metro.co.uk/2020/03/03/what-is-code-switching-12221478/. When have I made someone else feel they must be just like me in order to “fit in”? How can I change my attitudes and behaviors? White fragility bingo: Reminding folks, “You’re not the only ones who have it bad, you know…” as a way of avoiding our own culpability. See this facebook post: https://www.facebook.com/allyhennypage/posts/presenting-white-fragility-bingosome-people-are-visual-learners-and-need-to-have/1293805774103063/ White tears: “‘White Tears’ is phrase to describe what happens when certain types of White people either complain about a nonexistent racial injustice or are upset by a non-White person's success at the expense of a White person.” Read more here: https://verysmartbrothas.theroot.com/white-tears-explained-for-white-people-who-dont-get-i-1822522689. And guys? There is inequity in our world, in our societies. Some folks are on the front lines, doing dangerous work, while others hold jobs which enable them to stay at home safe and sound. Check out this article. By changing our mindset, shifting our focus, we can use this time of "in-between" to examine our hearts and minds, to change and be purified, to repent and apologize, and then to become humble learners and servants. Because I have so much to learn from other folks who have completely different life experiences than I do. Like the author of the blog Indigenous Motherhood who has some wake-up call words for those of us who feel our children hinder us, our "me time", or our careers: “In our traditional kinship systems, children were the at the center of the family system.” “And the idea of children being seen as a disruption to daily living was non-existent. During this pandemic, the invitation that exists is be mindful of that, and to make these concepts a way of life. Be mindful of any thoughts or feelings that may come up that are oriented around seeing children as a disruption, an annoyance, or an inconvenience, when they’re home with you. Because this style of thinking derived from residential schools and the forcefully implemented colonial education systems.” Wait. What? I challenge you, friends, read this article, let the thoughts soak in deep. What can you learn from the author’s unique perspective? Where have we gone wrong? How have our societal systems hurt others? For further exploration, check out this article and explore the links at the end. My Belief that Might Makes Right It’s easy to read a Facebook post I disagree with and then explode, either all over myself or, more regrettably, into that little white rectangular box labeled “comment”. Our tempers tell us that if we just scream and stomp vociferously enough, then everyone will listen. Over the years I’ve learned the only result to these loud declarations of mine was antagonism. Recently, I heard a story about Ghandi’s grandson. Arun was having trouble with anger, justified anger, actually, against kids who had been bullying him, so he was sent to live with grandpa Ghandi for a while. Ghandi had Arun make an “anger tree” with two branches, one for “active violence” and one for “passive violence”. Every day, Arun was instructed to add to the tree, noting the manifestations and the corresponding results of each type of violence. Ghandi explained that anger was a powerful force that, when released into the world, always found a home somewhere new, where it was recycled, weaponized and re-inflicted. The only way to break the cycle was to channel anger’s energy into something good, like compassion. “Use your anger for good. Anger to people is like gas to the automobile - it fuels you to move forward and get to a better place. Without it, we would not be motivated to rise to a challenge. It is an energy that compels us to define what is just and unjust.” (from The Gift of Anger by Arun Ghandi) Might doesn’t make right in my interactions with the adults or the children in my life either. When I explode, I immediately shut down any opportunity I might have had to work toward resolution. Not just that, but forcing my children to comply with my demands does nothing to nurture a caring nature in them. You know what does? My own attitude and modeling… If a child complains of being tired when asked to do something, I have always offered to do the task with him or her, to help. This has resulted in my son clearing the table for my daughter because “she said she was tired, so I wanted to help,” Or, In one of my daughters hopping up to grab forks when we realized there were none available, Or, In the kids cooking and joyfully sharing what they have created with one another. We are so not perfect as a family by any means. But I have seen the greatest results when I have lain down “might” and embraced and even served my children with grace and kindness, And, When I have invited my children to share in the power of household decision-making, asking them what they would like to do and what their goals are, And, In seeing that the way to win my children’s participation in something I’m invested in is to first enter their worlds and care about their passions. My Desire to Hold Onto Safety, Security, Money “There are moments that cry out to be fulfilled. Like, telling someone you love them. Or giving your money away, all of it. Your heart is beating, isn't it? You're not in chains, are you? There is nothing more pathetic than caution when headlong might save a life, even, possibly, your own.” -Mary Oliver (Felicity) I read this poem, and now I can’t shake the memory of it. “Or giving your money away, all of it.”...“Your heart is beating, isn’t it?” Though my knee-jerk reaction in these hard times is to hoard, that is not what will fulfill me. You see, you can wait and wait and save and save and then, have. And you will find that once you have that one thing you were waiting and saving so long for, you will receive the gift of a great big unsatisfied feeling and then, You will begin looking for some new way to be filled, fulfilled. Which leads me to realize that all that hoarding and holding on is really just a search for satisfaction, and maybe hoarding is the wrong place in which to find it. Remember. Backwards writing can be understood if you just loosen up a little. And reflections may be upside down, but they highlight natural beauty in a mystical manner that can just take your breath away. And so, I urge you friends, in this time of uncertainty, if you have time, use it to introspect, to repent of wrong thinking, to be purified, to see, really see, those around you. If you are suffering and can’t come up for air, please reach out and ask for help. Not only have many of us been right there where you are now, wondering where the money for bill-pay will come from or the food to fill the hungry stomachs, but also, I know I have been a part of the problem itself, and now I’d like to also be part of the solution. Friend? If you have been my victim, I’d like to apologize. Sometimes the hurt I’ve doled out has been unintentional. Will you do me a favor, though? Tell me where I’ve gone wrong, and why? And do the same for others. Let them know how what they’ve said makes you feel. Let’s all learn and grow and do better. Because while we don’t know what’s coming, we do know we will sorely need one another.
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 How many times?, I wonder. How many times?, or, When will I ever be healthy enough to handle this? Because, guys, I don’t do social media well. I just don’t. I can either be feeling really really great about my life, hop on, and see someone whose good makes my great look inconsequential, or, I can be feeling like a gigantic piece of shit, hop on, and see what appear to be the put-together-lives of no less than ten friends. A few days ago, my husband and I were chatting about the dilemma facing adults-seeking-real-friendship, and I mentioned we should create a find-a-friend version of Tinder. “That’s what Facebook is for!” he said. I shuddered. “No way, honey. Facebook is a modeling platform; not a friend-finding one.” Please forgive my negativity, or ignore me altogether if this isn’t you, but damn! My life isn’t hunky-dory glorious-beautiful, and yours sometimes really looks like it is. The problem isn’t that you’re trying to make your life look better than mine, either. The issue is that the one picture you or I post sums up only one small moment. No way can a picture capture a whole day. And life happens in long, knock-me-out, drag-me-down kinds of days, folks. Ideas are good. I’ve always been an idea person myself. They are really helpful, they are. Fun is good too. But we are all stuck in our houses right now, some of us more happily than others, but shut-ins we are. House-bound people, whether doing life alone or in small droves, poop in their toilets at various times throughout the day. And poop stinks. Sometimes, the stench fills the entire house. It muddies the toilet water; it clouds the good. Then, while we are choking on our family's collective stink, we open our beloved social media, and we see a picture, one that looks decidedly un-stinky. Do they even poop?, we wonder. Ever? Because I’m straining to see, but it looks to me like no one in that pic is holding their noses… All silliness and sarcasm aside... Guys. Some of you are so good at doing the things I suck at. Like getting out into nature with your kids. I really want to get out into nature... Currently, however, I have one child who is terrified of bugs. And, as luck would have it, every time this child gathers her courage, chances out the door, she has a bad experience with a creepy crawly. Some of you are doing this whole quarantine thing so creatively, with absolutely no tech. I’m amazed by you. Not me. As a mom with no babysitter, I’ve come to appreciate tech. It has its place in our house. Some of you give the best parenting advice and the most stellar homeschool advice. I’ve always known this about you. And I love your wisdom. Does it always work perfectly for you over there in your house, with your kids, though? Really? Sigh. I’m happy for you. Truly. It’s just that I’ve found sometimes the bestest advice doesn’t work for me over here, in this house. After a while, I get kinda down and depressed. I shrink to half my size and my voice takes on a childish quality. And I hate this, because it keeps me from living and loving like I want to. So lean forward, friends, if you're at all like me; I want to tell you some things that have set me free. One. There is never ever enough time in one day to do all the things. I mean, by the time you’ve successfully mixed the right amount of glue with the exact right amount of contact solution, you’ve also hurriedly and simultaneously wiped zillions of little glue trickles off the floor and harriedly de-glued someone’s suspiciously clumpy hair, and you are completely and totally WIPED out. Time to go play in your room guys. Enough projects for the day. We’re done. I'm admitting right now, in front of everyone, I can't do it all. I just don't have that level of energy. Now, where’s the wine? Seriously. Two. Are you honestly telling me your kids don’t fight? No way could I ever claim this. No fucking way. If we're all getting along, compromising, enjoying the day, someone's abrupt burp is sure to get on someone else's nerves and spoil the mood instantly. The one perk of my kids’ nattering fighting is that it gets ME out of the house and into nature. Just saying. Three. You can’t expect all your kids to like all the same things. They are unique little critters. They like. They hate. They do. They don’t. It’s okay to do those separate little things that each kid likes with each kid, separately. There is this myth of the perfect family that always does everything together, and likes it. That’s not our family. We are miles above mythical. And by the way, while you’re hanging out with one kid at a time, it’s okay to let the other kids tear up the house, or even play a few video games. Four. Technology is a thing just like anything else. Overdo it, and yes, everyone may develop a case of grouchiness. Or, they may not. Not all kids react to tech the same way. Some grow up to be professional gamers and YouTube reviewers who lead surprisingly balanced lives. Some young uns, cough cough, will be inspired to cook or learn history because of their love of the game. Treat tech like any other hobby. No need to feel guilty about it. Five. It’s okay to need space. It’s okay to go on long luxurious walks all by yourself. You can even tell your spouse you need time alone. And by alone, I mean, "I’m going to close the door and stay in this room for the next few hours," alone. Six. Just because advice is good doesn’t mean it is good for you. Your fam is unique, one-of-a-kind. So are you. So is your significant other Yes, we should all be spending time working, playing, socializing, resting, learning, and exercising. But that can look however it needs to look for you cocooned there within your own four walls. Maybe it will be a day or two of rest followed by two days of learning followed by a day of exercise. Maybe socializing-from-quarantine, for you, looks more like Marco Polo than Zoom. Perhaps you’re in survival mode and it all just looks like survival. It doesn’t have to be perfect or the same for everyone. Simply ask yourself... Are my kids happy? Why and why not? Am I happy? Why? Why not? What are my values? What are my kids’ values? Do I agree or disagree with them? Why or why not? How then shall we live in this one imperfect house so as not to kill one another? Good. Then that is how we shall live. Amen. Seven. If you find yourself getting upset when you take social media excursions, like I do, will do, and have done, now’s the time for some introspection. Why am I upset by this post or that picture? What unspoken rules am I trying to follow? Do I agree with those rules? Why or why not? Do I have a list of good resources to go to to find answers to the questions I have? Am I judging someone else, either for being too put together or for being too strict or not strict enough? What does that say about me? What pain am I trying to heal with judgements’ ineffective balm? Eight. You have permission to ignore all the ideas, mine or anyone else’s. Go ahead and give yourself permission. It’s okay to cry a little. It’s normal to feel overwhelmed. In the voice of Elsa, “Let it go…”. I value freedom, guys. Can you tell? Seriously, though. These are weird, hard times. And we gotta survive. Some of us are extremely privileged middle class folk, though we’re not above job loss and pay cuts. We really ought to stop trying to be so perfect (or at least I do) and start looking at the very real needs around us. There are those among us facing job loss and financial ruin. Some are struggling to find new ways to make ends meet. This means that right now we will not be perfect parents, lovers or friends. Because, food. #priorities Some among us are facing a multitude of crises, piled atop each other like shitty scoops of ice cream: illness, death, tornadoes, etc. I can’t even imagine. These are the times to let go of all the rules and the learning opportunities and the projects and to-do’s and just live and love the best we can. Let your kids eat ice cream for breakfast and veg in front of the tv all day if that’s what helps you get through this. If that does not help you and yours, then stick to a routine. You do you. Do what you gotta do. ******************** All right, now, rant over. Now I need to take a dump.  Three years ago, if you would have told me my son would soon be diagnosed with a dangerous form of cancer, I would have…
Just to name a few... But that cancer, it morphed and grew right here, in our own house, beneath our collective naive nostrils. When the diagnosis came, it was the last thing we ever expected. And honestly, there is nothing we could have done to prepare ourselves for it. We simply had to walk through it. I remember wishing it all away, wondering, hoping that maybe, maybe it was all just a nightmare. Yet, we had to wake each day and face reality's glare. And, we survived. Have we been traumatized? Yes. Do we now live in fear of the next bad thing that will happen? You bet. I would never want anyone to trivialize, sugar-coat, or glaze over our experience: “but look at how you’ve grown,” or “at least xyz didn’t happen”. That would suck; it would not help... What I am amazed by, though, is that we DID walk through hell. You see, shit happens. You cannot stop it. “You can’t go over it, you can’t go under it... "oh no!", you have to go through it!” We all fear lots of things. And I think, beneath it all, what we all really fear is death. Some of us dread the finality of it. Some imagine walking through the suffering and the grieving involved and do everything they can never to go there. Most all of us fear the witnessing of death, from either the side or the front lines. And now friends, we are facing an unexpected sickness that is spreading faster than wildfire. We cannot predict who will become sick when, for how long, or how severely. We are frantically clearing shelves in grocery stores, hoarding resources and fretting over the news. And the news? How sweetly it alerts us to every new death. How thoughtfully it stirs up new fears within us, ones we had not yet imagined, like “Will the internet break, since everyone is now working from home?” And guys? We are scared. We are the generations nurtured on sci-fi and fantasy, the children who imagined zombie apocalypses and planets ruled by apes. The empty grocery store shelves, those people wearing face masks garbed in hazmat suits standing precariously in empty subways? These images conjure fear, fear and more fear. We are scared, yes. But I want us to remember. I want us to know. We stand on the backs of our ancestors, ones who weathered plagues and wars, who survived holocausts and depressions. Shit is happening again, just like it has so many times past. We didn’t have time to prepare for it, and we don’t know how bad it will get. But here’s the truth: we really can’t control shit. Not any of it. We cannot control the invisible. Not at this time anyways. And we, the collective world community, WILL PASS THROUGH. We will see the other side. One day, our children’s children will read all about it in their history books. “My grandma told me about that,” they will exclaim. There. Now that we have settled that, what do we wish to be remembered for, when the proverbial storm has passed? Our hoarding? How we protected ourselves at all costs? Anger and vitriol, the spreading of lies and rumors, frosting shit with shit? Or, how about as... the people who pulled through, they who were resilient? They who stolidly accepted life for what it was and dug deep for the courage to do the right thing, the loving thing? Because there really is only one element in all of this we can control, and that is our own thoughts, words, attitudes and actions. And when you stop, take that deep accepting breath, you will see the single mother struggling to feed her kids, suddenly without a job or school lunches, the horrendous endless suffering in Syria-what will those families do if they contract the virus?-, or, heaven forbid, the lonely death of an elderly man or woman. We have a job to do still, friends, in this world God loves. Let’s focus on controlling that-which-we-can-control, and leave the rest to rest.  Are you a yes person? I certainly am. On a healthy level, I’m an optimist, and my kiddos certainly don’t complain about my yes-ness. On a not-so-healthy level, though, saying yes has become a way to keep the unhealthy people in my life happy. You see, I hate conflict; saying yes has felt like a solid way to avoid all that complicated shit. Also, have you ever noticed, when faced with a decision, there are usually a myriad of choices? And when various choices are presented, my FOMO kicks in, big time. In college, if there were two events scheduled at the same time, I didn’t say “no” to either; I merely left one event early and arrived at the next one late. Missing out was not optional. Even as I write these words, I see how egocentric this yes-habit has been. Looking back, I notice that saying “yes” was also an intrinsic element of my spiritual DNA. Recently, I was visiting with a person who was raised Mormon. He mentioned that if someone held a gun to his head and said, “Choose, Christianity or Mormonism?”, he would pick Mormonism. His reason? Mormons are genuinely “nice” people, but Christians, in his experience, are two-faced. Saying yes to everything made me flat as paper and, yes, it also made me two-faced. Because deep down, I had likes and dislikes, and there were certainly people I ought to have said no to but didn’t (usually because I was trying to be kind and loving). Eventually, I tightened the lid on my container of flatulent no’s and gassy tempers so much it would all quite suddenly, and nastily, erupt. This came as a surprise to everyone, myself included, because I was supposedly such a “nice person”. Two-faced? You betcha. In my current favorite self-help book, lovingly deemed the “fuck book”, Mark Manson says, “...we need to reject something. Otherwise, we stand for nothing. If nothing is better or more desirable than anything else, then we are empty and our life is meaningless. We are without values and therefore live our life without any purpose.” “We need to reject something.” I recently said yes to lots of things that weren’t in line with my true passions. And some of those things have been “good”, bringing extra income into our household. Yet, there’s something we don’t always realize about increasing our cash flow— living just to make money may cost us time, energy, relationships, and sometimes, even our dearest values. I have been feeling as though a part of me had died, or at least was comatose, these past few months. Now, I am looking through all the “yes’s” I made which led up to this point: Do they line up behind my core values? Do they lead me closer to being who I want to be? I am sorting decisions, putting lots of crusty old “yes’s” in the “I-don’t-give-a-fuck-anymore” pile. In my relationships, I am removing the sticky tape from my lips, voicing all my “no’s” and “I don’t want to’s”. I am outlining myself in reddish-no’s: “...if we reject nothing…, we essentially have no identity at all.” (Mark Manson) As I’ve been voicing my vehement no’s, I’ve been struck by how afraid I am of some sort of vitriolic anger or ugly retaliation from the people I am saying no to. I’m not sure why this is. It just is. Maybe it’s because of entitlement, I don’t know. “The desire to avoid rejection at all costs, to avoid confrontation and conflict, the desire to attempt to accept everything equally and to make everything cohere and harmonize, is a deep and subtle form of entitlement.” Why? “Entitled people...feel as though they deserve to feel great all the time, avoid rejecting anything because doing so might make them or someone else feel bad.” (Manson) Whatever the reason, I see now how my refusal to say no in the past has hurt both others and myself. I am becoming a yes person to freedom, to healthy, spirited living. And, yes, for me, that often means letting out some big ol’ lusty “No's!”.  Sigh. I’m just gonna come out with it. I struggle, you guys. With…? I’m not sure how to describe it, really. It’s this thing where if I write something and it strikes a nerve with a few people, I go all weak in my mental knees. I paralyze because, well, that one bit of writing that struck a nerve, what if, what if, I can never ever write another piece like it? And then, what if, after penning endless irrelevancies that are both boring and meaningless, I am discovered to be, A fraud... A hypocrite... An idiot... Some sort of human fluke... This admission of mine? It’s vulnerability’s territory, and I’m really not comfortable there- it’s all so soft and squishy. My brain keeps shrieking, “Run, damn it. You’re gonna get eaten alive!” In telling the truth, though, I’m showing up to lick the proverbial waters, litmus testing whether or not truth-telling really enlivens old failing flailing limbs. So, yeah. “It feels so great to finally dive into the water; maybe you splash around and flail for a while, but at least you’re in. Then you start doing whatever stroke you can remember how to do, and you get this scared feeling inside of you - of how hard it is and how far there is to go - but still you’re in and you’re afloat, and you’re moving.” -Ann Lamott More soon...  My little boy, he’s always had nightmares. He used to wake in the night, crying out in fear. Would someone jump in the window and grab him while he slept? Was there a monstrous being in the closet? As he grew older, his fears became more sophisticated, until, one day, he fretted, “What if I get cancer?” My heart aches and I cringe upon each remembrance of my answer: “Kids rarely get cancer. That is not going to happen to you.” I mean, really, what were the odds? On fear-riddled nights, I would sit by my son’s bedside, encourage him to “bring his fears to God”. And then came that dreaded day with the sudden limp and the agonizing hospital stay terminating in the horrifying diagnosis. I was shocked and, frankly, pissed. The child who worried he would “get cancer”, who prayed he wouldn’t, got cancer. You can bet my dialogues with my children surrounding fear and faith have changed drastically since then. I had held to this strange notion that if a child petitioned God about something, God would answer in the affirmative, in order to build that child’s faith. Oh, the lore and the mythology we humans concoct to comfort ourselves… I realize now how screwed up my thinking was. How many millions of children have cried out to God as their abusers tormented them, only to have their abusers go on abusing? To assume God would keep my child from suffering while simultaneously ignoring other children the world ‘round made God out to be an exceedingly dysfunctional deity. What did I think entitled me or my family or any of my children to receive some sort of extra special divine intervention? To be fondled by pain is to be human. God is not my family’s ticket out of suffering either. The little boy Jesus, the young man Jesus, suffered. He grew tired and weary. Guaranteed, he stubbed his toe, lost his favorite toy. As a parent I have seen the error in rushing to rescue my children from hardship. My children are welcome to come to me, of course. But my constant intervention would keep them from tuning in to their own strength, ingenuity and wisdom. We all have minds and wills, don’t we? Like, when the weak among us are crying out at the hands of their tormentors, we sure as hell better be using our ingenuity, skills and gifts to ease their suffering, should we not? Assuming God will hear these least ones and rush to their rescue with fire and brimstone or something, it lets us off the hook. I mean, we don’t need to do anything if God is doing everything, right? I asked Aydon recently what he thought of God during cancer and now, after cancer. He said that on some days he thought God wasn’t real, and on others, he knew God was with him. We then launched into a deep conversation about suffering and God, in which I apologized to him for the faulty ways I had informed his childhood faith. I wondered aloud whether God perhaps isn’t about rescuing us out of hardship, because to endure hardship, after all, is to be human. And we are all only human. I wondered whether that is why Jesus lived a life filled with pain. And perhaps that is why Paul talked about sharing in the hardships of Christ? The wise man Buddha would say that while pain is universal, suffering occurs when we have trouble letting go of “illusion, false desire, superiority, and separateness” (Richard Rohr in The Universal Christ). Maybe encountering the pain of cancer pissed me off because I assumed that the path to God and abundant life would be free of thorns, and I found myself angry, not because of the pain, but because I found I was indeed wrestling my illusions and false desires. Both Christianity and Buddhism are saying that the pattern of transformation, the pattern that connects, the life that Reality offers us is not death avoided, but always death transformed. In other words, the trustworthy pattern of spiritual transformation is death and resurrection. Christians learn to submit to trials because Jesus told us that we must ‘carry the cross’ with him. Buddhists do it because the Buddha very directly said that ‘life is suffering,’ but the real goal is to choose skillful and necessary suffering over what is usually just resented and projected suffering. (Rohr, The Universal Christ) This is a mystery I have only tentatively tasted, friends. I wrestle daily, with God and life and pain and what it means. And I’m afraid I usually choose suffering over dying. My answer to those childhood nightmares now? I’m sorry, child. I get it. And I love you. That is all.  “Everything worthwhile in life is won through surmounting the associated negative experience. Any attempt to escape the negative, to avoid it or quash it or silence it, only backfires. The avoidance of suffering is a form of suffering. The avoidance of struggle is a struggle. The denial of failure is failure. Hiding what is shameful is itself a form of shame.” (Mark Manson) Ouch, I penned into the margin of the above paragraph, truth-hammered. Oddly, the “ouch” came with a sense of pressure-releasing-relief. Truth sets free, after all.... I don’t know if it’s being close to 40 or what, but I’m tired of approaching every situation like it’s a battle to be fought-and-won. I’m tired of pretending my life is better, somehow, than it really is. I’m tired of fighting things I cannot change, about myself, about my family, or my husband. I’m so fucking tired of trying to avoid suffering. Suffering, after all, has a mind and will of its own. It will catch up to every single person eventually, if it hasn’t already. You know what? Trying to avoid suffering, to escape the negativity and avoid struggle, pretending and Instagramming your life perfect? It’s weird, but in the end, it’ll isolate you. Because no one, no one, has a perfect life. And if that is true, if imperfection is universal, than it is something that connects us all, isn’t it? “Suffering of some sort seems to be the only one thing strong enough to both destabilize and reveal our arrogance, our separateness, and our lack of compassion,” writes Richard Rohr. When my son was being treated for cancer, I bumped into so many other ordinary moms and dads helplessly bed-sitting their horrifically suffering children. I felt as though, before cancer, I’d been living in an artificial Matrix where everyone had healthy kids. But the reality was, there were so many folks suffering, unnoticed by society at large, and I had suddenly been given the gift of sight, Seeing Them and also, simultaneously, Not Being Alone. And so here it is: My children love each other, but they sure can fight. I love homeschooling, but sometimes I feel disillusioned and discouraged and wonder if I’m screwing everyone up. I wonder, constantly, if I’m making the right choices in life. I worry my independent, freedom-loving nature is keeping my children from finding friendships outside of our family; I can’t seem to stick with just one thing for long enough for them to find long-term friends. When one of my little ones struggles with anything, I blame myself. My own mind is always on, on, on, learning, absorbing, thinking, and it wears me out. My husband and I love each other fiercely. But opposites attract, right? We fight. We argue. We disagree. Questioning my faith has been equally freeing and isolating. I can’t “buy into” one side or another fully, and it all leaves me wondering where I fit. I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted and stay thin. One day, I lost my appetite and gained so much weight. I then spent years hating both myself and my new body. I am friendly yet I struggle with vulnerability. I encompass the paradox of being everyone’s friend and no one’s. Every “perfect” Instagram picture I’ve ever posted, I swear, came before either a major fight or a minor disaster. I am horribly disorganized. Recently, I found a recipe for pineapple salsa in a file-folder labeled “Ryan- Career”. And yet, I must have a tidy-looking house before company comes over. I say yes to everything because I really think I can do everything and then when it becomes very apparent that I (and my family) cannot handle all the yes’s, I hibernate, sometimes for months. No matter how many times they shatter, I continually find new rose-colored glasses and put them on. There, my friends, is some I’m-tired-of-giving-a-fuck-about-perfection truth-telling. I can’t wait to share more, but this is a start.  It’s been a while, I know, since I’ve written a post. There are many reasons for this, chief among them being that my son had yet another surgery and the Christmas season is busy. Another reason is that I still feel as though I am trying to really dig in and find my voice for this blog: Who am I, and what am I about? Who am I writing "stuff" for? And, what’s the point of writing on a blog in 2019 when most everyone feels far too busy to be reading articles? The voice-for-this-blog dilemma is a microcosm of my current life. Who am I? What is my purpose in this world? Am I living my best life? These are questions I have been wrestling too, which have also stalled my writing. I am one of those people who can envision myself in a variety of careers, wearing a variety of different hats. In other words, I have a great imagination. When I was a child, I had endless ideas. I remember exploring a new career each day (usually one employing creativity), imagining myself becoming “great” in that area. Then, I would either become bored or disillusioned with my lack of natural talent, and move on to exploring a new idea for future-me. I always dreamed of being great and making an impression on this world. I also love children. I love being a mother. I have loved playing with my babies and watching them morph into tiny human beings. Lately I feel as though I am straddling an imaginary line between the small beautiful world of my own little family and the great big world of possibility. Children do not choose to come into this world. They are much smaller than us and ridiculously powerless. They grow and change every single day. I am not sorry I have focused on my children for these years of their young childhoods. I believe I will never regret this choice. Now that the little ones are getting bigger and more independent, I have this burning desire to figure out what I want to do with myself, though. I want to inspire my children by working hard at something. I want them to see that men and women can wear many different hats throughout their lifetimes. I want them to see that choosing themselves and choosing their children are not mutually exclusive: different phases of life might require more of a focus on one or the other, but everyone in a family (as in life) is equally valuable. I know I am rambling here…but can you empathize? A few months ago, I decided I wanted to pursue a master’s or doctorate degree. Returning to the classroom as a teacher is not something I want to do, though I loved my years of teaching. After exploring my options, I have tentatively landed on a master’s degree in applied anthropology. I have always been fascinated by culture, and I also have a heart to help the immigrant and the marginalized, which applied anthropology would give me excellent tools for. While I am literally clawing at the starting gate, other pressing matters have reared their heads: I don’t want a bunch of debt when I’m finished getting a degree, my family could currently use some extra income, and I have to take the GRE, which I won’t finish on time for next fall. Following that thread of reasoning has led me to the decision to build a business teaching online and writing curriculum for fellow homeschool parents. Sometimes I get excited about all of these "things" I want to do. My husband, thankfully, believes in our equal partnership and will be there for our kids as I become busier. Other times, doubt makes an appearance, warning and condemning me to failure. How will I find the time to do all this? What if I spend lots of precious time trying to build a biz, and then it all falls apart? What if going to school “takes me away” from my ever-evolving children too much? What if our family can’t handle all the stress this will bring? What if my son’s cancer returns or another one of us gets sick or something costly in our house falls apart? But I know I have to proceed, one step at a time, making the most of every moment as I go along. What is my point in writing this post? First, to say to other friends who are looking at big changes in their lives, "I'm right there with you". But also just to process where I’m at and why, and to say I will absolutely keep blogging...it may be sporadic, but even if no one’s reading, at least I’m getting in some great writing practice. And eventually, I think I will begin to iron out what my voice in life and on this blog is, as well as my purpose. To anyone out there reading these posts, thank you for hangin’ in there with me. If you don’t mind adventure, incongruence and wild random thoughts on life that connect in strange or surprising ways, then definitely stick around, ha! Finally, Merry Christmas to all. If you are feeling more heartache than joy this week, I get it. Just know that you are not alone; reach out to others, let them carry hope's torch for now, know you are deeply deeply loved.  I am sitting here at my desk gazing out the window at our oak trees as they drip-drop leaves, the only noticeable movement under today’s cloud-encrusted sky. In the background, the Cranberries aptly croon: “In your head, in your he-ead, zombie, zombie, zombie-ie-ie.” The day, the music, it all plays perfectly to my melancholy mood. This has certainly been a week of insight and melodrama. I don’t know if you are like me, but I am addicted to joy. I love feeling happy. And when I don’t feel happy, I worry something is wrong with me; I feel as though I am losing myself. I attribute this to being an Enneagram 7. Enneagram 7’s have this ability to put a pretty frame around every circumstance, to “look on the bright side,” if you will. This is actually not always healthy. I used to become frustrated with my husband when he was down, assuming I was a better person since I didn’t ever allow myself to feel despair. It took me a long time to learn that, not only was I shutting my husband down, but I was also terrified of my own negative emotions. In controlling my husband’s feelings, I was covering up my own anxiety. I am learning to notice myself reframing difficult circumstances. When I do, I stop and listen to what’s really going on inside of me. I am learning that negative, even dark, feelings don’t mean the world is collapsing. Understanding more about myself through the lens of the Enneagram has been so good for me. And understanding my husband’s Enneagram number, and how his number interacts with mine, has been incredibly helpful in our marriage. So, What is the Enneagram? The Enneagram is a personality typing system. It is unique in that it not only points out your attributes and strengths, it also shines a light on your weaknesses and areas of improvement. It shows you what you look like when you are unhealthy and what you look like when you are healthy. One profound insight I had when I first began learning about the Enneagram was how much each Enneagram type draws strength and wisdom from the others; in other words, we humans need each other. The Enneagram Institute describes the equality of the types in this way: “No type is inherently better or worse than any other. While all the personality types have unique assets and liabilities, some types are often considered to be more desirable than others in any given culture or group. Furthermore, for one reason or another, you may not be happy being a particular type. You may feel that your type is “handicapped” in some way. As you learn more about all the types, you will see that just as each has unique capacities, each has different limitations. If some types are more esteemed in Western society than others, it is because of the qualities that society rewards, not because of any superior value of those types. The ideal is to become your best self, not to imitate the assets of another type.” I think this is one reason why all the diagrams of the Enneagram look like circles with nine points. Each point stands for one Enneagram type. According to Don Riso and Russ Hudson in their book The Wisdom of the Enneagram, “The Enneagram is a geometric figure that maps out the nine fundamental personality types of human nature and their complex interrelationships. It is a development of modern psychology that has roots in spiritual wisdom from many different ancient traditions.” I am fascinated by human behavior, so from the moment I heard about the Enneagram, I was hooked. Unfortunately, I have noticed that as the Enneagram is becoming popular, some people are embracing generalizations about the numbers. An example is my number, type 7. We are often stereotyped as shallow people who like to party and have a good time. While this is certainly true of some type 7’s, it is not true of me. I am a quieter type 7. I actually have many traits which make me look like an Enneagram 2. A Brief Summary of the Nine Types From The Wisdom of the Enneagram You can find information about the Enneagram just about anywhere on the internet. I typed out some information from the book here for you because I heard an Enneagram teacher say once that the best way to discover your type is to ask what your greatest fear is and what your greatest desire is, rather than only taking a test or relying on general descriptions. So without further ado, here are the nine types:
How Knowing My Number Has Helped Me Most Enneagram teachers show what each number looks like in health or in stress. Each Enneagram number actually behaves like a specific other number when it is moving towards either health or crisis. Again, read this article to understand this better: https://www.enneagraminstitute.com/how-the-enneagram-system-works. Acknowledging my “7-ness” has helped me to see that it is okay not to feel happy all the time. It has helped me realize that under my “togetherness”, I struggle with darker emotions. For example, when I am stressed, I act like an unhealthy Enneagram 1. This means that I will suddenly be pissed off at how messy the house is. I’ll run around like a crazy person trying to clean and be very down on myself for not being perfect or having it all together. I will also bury myself in busyness. I’ll buy a myriad of books and read a little bit of every one of them without finishing any. I’ll refuse to have silence around me: music or podcasts on at all times. I’ll feel antsy, go on shopping sprees and spend too much money. I’ll avoid people. I used to just give in to these sudden feelings. Now I realize that when I do that I am struggling with emotions, and I need to spend some time in quietude, meditating or writing to get in touch with what is actually bothering me. I highly recommend discovering your Enneagram number. Here are some resources to guide you: The Wisdom of the Enneagram The Road Back to You Enneagram and Coffee https://www.enneagraminstitute.com/ http://www.sleepingatlast.com/ What Does All This Have To Do With My Current Mood? I am at the cusp of some life changes, and I am overcome with a myriad of emotions. I have been feeling anxious and acting out on that anxiety. Luckily, I recognize anxious behavior for what it is, and I’m working on meditating and writing. I have had this lie in my head for so long: I can’t be a mom and anything else. The lie tells me that if I pursue something like education or a career or business, I am rejecting my family. This lie has kept me trapped and in pain for quite some time. I’m very committed to homeschooling my children. I see the fruit of it in their lives. They are receiving a stress-free childhood in which they can grow at their own pace and pursue their passions. On the flip side, my youngest is now six, and I know my kiddos won’t be at home forever. And when they move out, I want to be doing a job I love. As I dream and begin to pursue my passions, I struggle. I struggle with anxiety my son’s cancer will return. Because of the shock of cancer, I feel like our family is catastrophe’s playground; if cancer doesn’t strike again, I have this awful foreboding that something else horrid will happen. So, my anxiety queries, why should I pursue anything or get excited? I struggle with fear that pursuing my dreams will take me too far away from my little ones, and I will miss out on their childhoods. I struggle with terror that I will pick the wrong career and live the rest of my life trapped by debt and unhappiness. I struggle with my unfair advantage and privilege. So many women don’t have the time to pursue a new career at my age. I know I will only be truly happy if I am making a difference in this world for the better. I see so many possibilities to do this...But, how do I choose only one?? And yet. And yet I know that if I sit around and do nothing to develop myself and grow and change, I will implode. So it is time to move and make decisions and let the chips fall where they may. The time has come for me to take a deep breath and step into the unknown, to use what I have been given and multiply it, to pick up those loose threads and see where they take me. Have you ever made big changes and struggled with grieving the past or fear of the future? How did you deal with ALL THE BIG FEELINGS, especially if you’re not a fan of feeling all the feels? To finish up, I will leave myself and you with the magical wisdom of Anne Lamott, “Bird by bird buddy. Just take it bird by bird.”  Sometimes, when I post a photo of my family on Instagram, I consider being brutally honest and writing about all the chaotic “things” which happened before and after the peaceful pic was snapped. (You know, like how someone had just finished crying because of a stubbed toe or how someone subsequently got angry about something her sibling did…) #Keepingitreal, friends. One of my daughters has been suffering anxiety of late. She was enthusiastic about people and all things new, but in the past few weeks, she cries and begs not to go to places where there will be large crowds. My son just went through a year of cancer treatments, and while we are finally finished, there is no guarantee the cancer won’t return. At night, he breaks down. He wonders why life is so hard, and why the doctors’ appointments and surgeries never end and, and, what if he got sick tomorrow? And I feel as though I am always trying on new hats, looking into this career then that like a frenzied bird, never alighting to say, “Aha! This is me. Now I can simmer down.” Perhaps these struggles are common to most people, or maybe they are unique to my family. Who knows? I do believe that suffering and hardship are an integral part of the human experience. You know what makes everything harder than it should be? Fear. Fear’s messages sound something like this: Don’t ever… You should have… Why did you.... What’s wrong with your child?!... I could/would never have done that… Just trust God… Well, look on the bright side… At least it’s not xyz… Have you ever heard these mantras, friends? Have they been directed at you? Have you ever said them yourself? It's all right if you have. I know I've certainly said my share. On Why My Family Really Doesn’t Fit The Proverbial Mold... Have you heard the term “neurodiverse”? According to Google, neurodiverse means “displaying or characterized by autistic or other neurologically atypical patterns of thought or behavior; not neurotypical.” I love using this term because instead of labeling people whose brains are wired differently as “bad” or “disabled”, I get to use a descriptive term which implies that “normal” is a spectrum. The neurodiverse are just more “diverse” in how their minds work. Using “neurodiverse” also puts the onus on those of us who are more like the majority of people (neurotypical) to learn, learn, learn how the neurodiverse person thinks and moves through this world. Having a family with members who are neurodiverse will sometimes make you stand out like an annoying sore thumb, especially in the standard places where people gather to socialize. Like church. Church can be overwhelming for a child with sensory sensitivity: loud noises, crowds, weird smells, etc. This makes church extremely painful for neurodiverse kids. And most churches and church classes are structured to cater to neurotypical folks. I’ve read stories about moms with neurodiverse children being told their littles cannot attend Sunday School or being asked to leave a church service because their kiddos were being too noisy or “disruptive”. Then there are social groups, parties and functions. Parties are so so fun for most children, yet for some children, they are torturous. How This All Plays Out For Us In Everyday Situations For us parents of the neurodiverse, we are always “on call”. Our kids will appear to be clingy and whiny while your kids are skipping around and having fun. We may not really get to visit with you much, though we are longing to. We experience every stare and every question at 100% magnification. It is as though folks are standing on boulders screaming through megaphones into our ears. Yes, we know we seem strange. Yes, we know our kids aren’t enjoying themselves like most of the other children are. Yes, yes, yes, we wish our kids were having fun like yours. Of course we do. No, we are not more overprotective than the average parent. If our littles wanted to run and play and galavant, we would be thrilled. Yet, It’s All Really A Gift... Do you have an idiosyncrasy or quirk? Do you have any pet peeves no one really gets? Do you hide these things so as to “fit in”? Hiding is a luxury the neurodiverse do not have. Their struggles are always on display. In spite of the constant hand-wringing and book-reading involved in the parenting of the neurodiverse, I am so incredibly grateful for my children. They are truly a gift. They are a gift because they have handed me empathy and compassion on a platter. When I see another mother whose child is "unreasonably" clingy or who is having to rush home earlier than all the other moms, my heart goes out to her. I know how she feels. When I read why many parents of neurodiverse children do not attend church, I get it. My babes are a gift because they have taught me that true freedom is not found in “fitting in”; it is found in loving what I have been given. They have taught me to look inward when I feel pangs of envy upon seeing families easily enjoying themselves in this world. What does my sudden jealousy reveal about me? My children have taught me that it is okay to dance to the proverbial beat of a different drum. My decision-making thought-process often goes something like this: “Everyone says we should be like xyz; but so what? We’re not everyone”. My diverse family has given me the gift of stopping and resting when I have wanted to go, go, go. The Myth Of The Lonely Sufferer As you know, I’ve been reading The Universal Christ by Richard Rohr. I feel as though I am having an ongoing dialogue with everything in the book. In one chapter, Rohr points out the universality of grief: all grief is really one grief. Like, you know when you are sad about something and it builds up to a breaking point? And then, while you are crying, you think of more and more and more sad shit and the floodgates open? And soon you are weeping about the problems of the whole wide world? I used to think it was wrong to weep that way. Like, come on lady, you’re being too dramatic. But now I see that weeping for the weight of the world is my participation in universal suffering. And this connects me with Christ. Grief and pain and heartache, loneliness and isolation and being misunderstood are opportunities to experience Christ's suffering, which in turn is an opportunity to connect with all of humanity’s suffering throughout all of history. I still say, fuck cancer and fuck mental illness. All this needless suffering is devastating and shitty, and we should not paint it pretty. There’s a reason God wept at the tomb of her friend. So what is my point? My point is that wherever you park while reading this post, however you are currently feeling, I hope you know that when you most taste your brokenness, you are indeed less alone than you've ever been. You are in the sweaty grimy company of the hurting multitudes. You are in the blood gushing, nail-pierced, rejected and scorned company of the Suffering Christ. “A Crucified God is the dramatic symbol of the one suffering that God fully enters into with us— much more than just for us [...].” (The Universal Christ, 162) And so, dear one, Weep all you need. Do you hear the multitudes weeping with you? Then,on the next clear star-studded night, drive out into some open field . Turn off your car so's you can step, step, pitter-patter, naked-feet-to-spongy-soil, kiss, kiss. Pause. Listen to the chirruping crickets and the breeze that's tousling that tall grass, snap, crackle, pop. Let the glorious night air gulp up your exhale: out, out, out. Do you hear it? That rhythm, that beat, that cacaphonous melody of your one and only, uniquely-you drum? Go ahead, crank up that beautiful music, dear, dance all crazy-like. And when you pause to choke up some air, open your eyes. You might glimpse me there, cavorting, snorting holy-night-air, caught up in my own hullabaloo, me being me... Can you see it? The truth? You're always, always, free to be you. |
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