 Have you ever made an agreement with someone who has then broken that agreement without so much as a word? I’ve certainly been the person who forgot about an agreement or cancelled at the last minute. Let’s take this question a step further. What if you confronted the agreement-breaker and she acted like she had no idea what you were talking about? What if she went on to treat you like something was wrong with you for imagining you had ever made an agreement with her? When incidents like this happen, it puts you in a tight spot. First of all, it places all the blame for the broken agreement on you. Secondly, it moves you from an offensive position to a defensive one. And thirdly, it leaves you in a lose-lose battle of “my word against hers”. I have had companies I bought products from treat me this way. It is very difficult to get a refund when this happens. A good term to describe the above situation is “gaslighting”. Gaslighting is a form of manipulation which causes you to question your own sanity. Watching someone you love being “gaslighted” is infuriating. Especially when the person doing the manipulation is a close family member. Often, manipulators who gaslight go out of their way to turn the people closest to you against you. They subtly discredit you. They may tell your friends, “Did you know Carissa lied to me yesterday??” or they may ask them, “Have you ever wondered if everything Carissa says is true?” If a person like this is in your life, chances are that when your friends and family members are around, they will take the opportunity to make sarcastic comments or jokes aimed to mock you. (Check out this enlightening article to help you spot more signs of manipulation: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/communication-success/201510/14-signs-psychological-and-emotional-manipulation.) Then, if you act hurt or defensive, they will criticize you for being too sensitive. To make matters worse, a gaslighter will engage in a vicious cycle with you in which they treat you kindly when you hit your lowest point. They may even show you “grace” when you mess up. Once you run back into their embrace, however, they will begin the process of subtly and not-so-subtly discrediting you, criticizing you, and lying to you all over again. Pretty soon, the real you will disappear, replaced with someone who is confused and out-of-sorts, someone who needs the gaslighter to tell her what to do, someone other than Real-you. I’m willing to bet that at some point in your life you’ve come across this sort of toxic manipulation. The only solution I’ve found? Refuse to let this person into your life. If the person is already in your life, draw some very big boundaries around yourself:
Here are some excellent tips in addition to the thoughts I shared above: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/communication-success/201406/how-spot-and-stop-manipulators. Religious Manipulation Unfortunately, I believe many “Christian” churches use manipulation as a tactic to control people. When our oldest child was preschool age, he came to us after Sunday School claiming that another kid in his class had put his hands around his neck. Horrified, we asked our son whether or not he had told the teacher what happened. He said he did, but the teacher didn’t do anything about it. We decided it was time to speak with the pastor of the church. Ironically, his wife was the Sunday School teacher. In our meeting, we simply asked the pastor that the teachers be made aware of what had transpired so it would not happen again. We said we did not want to reveal the teacher’s name, afraid the pastor would think we were criticizing his wife. The pastor, however, pressed us for the teacher’s name, and we finally revealed who it was. He then mentioned he would look into the matter. He also cautioned us not to be “too overprotective” of our son. Do you hear the subtle shaming message here? “Don’t be too overprotective”... Already, we were not to be taken seriously, since we were “protective parents”. The following Sunday, the pastor informed us that his wife had no memory of the incident or of our son bringing it up during class. Now we were in the awkward position of wondering who to believe: our son, or his teacher. Foolishly and naively, we ignored the red flags, and, bearing some shame and doubt upon our shoulders, dropped the matter. A few Sundays later, my husband happened to be looking out a church window when all the Sunday school students and teachers went outside to play games. To his utter astonishment, a group of children formed a circle around our little boy and began to push him back and forth, in full view of the church. That did it. We decided to leave the church. My husband had some obligations he had to fulfill there, but I never brought my children back. Years later, I shared what had happened with my therapist. I still blamed myself for the whole incident, and wondered if I was indeed too overprotective. The therapist helped me to see that what had really been going on was spiritual manipulation. While this is one way a church may manipulate its members, by not believing them when they have critiques or complaints, there are multiple other ways churches manipulate. If you are never allowed to ask questions, this is a red flag. If the leader or leaders of the church seem to have all the answers and are never wrong, that is also a red flag. If you are compared to others, whether individually or corporately, say, for how much money you give, that is a red flag. Here is a useful article outlining the warning signs that a church is engaged in spiritual manipulation: https://relevantmagazine.com/god/spiritual-manipulation-how-spot-it-and-what-do-about-it/. It is never bad to trust your instincts, my friend. You and your family do not deserve to be ignored or put down. Political Manipulation Everyone agrees that the theater of politics often involves manipulation. I’m not going to get into critiquing one political party over another, as I think both parties engage in varying levels of manipulation. I do believe manipulation is subtle and occurs slowly over time. For this reason, being aware of the warning signs can go a long way towards keeping you from being sucked under someone’s control. Here is an excellent resource to use as a litmus test: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/in-flux/201610/9-classic-traits-manipulative-people. Some of the questions I ask in regard to politics are:
There are so many more excellent questions we could ask. It’s worth googling for resources on how to spot manipulators/manipulation. ********************************************** If you recognize the qualities of a manipulator in someone you either know or are in a relationship with, it’s worth seeking therapy so you can learn how to spot the deception and set up boundaries. About two years ago, I found myself looking for therapists in my area. The therapy I went through was enlightening and healing. I learned to set boundaries and not feel guilty for doing so. I learned to love and value myself. I learned coping strategies to deal with certain trauma which lingered inside of me. I have grown so much through the process of being hurt and then healing. It gives me a glimpse of the beauty in that ol' death-to-life paradox. I feel her.
Her whispers tickle my ear, Breath, holy zephyr, Mother, Life-giver “There is no hope without despair, honey No risen without dead Darling, love never says ‘You-are-not-welcome-at-the-table’. When I laid this banquet I invited the least and the lost, The broken and confused Your Belief-castle’s brittle, Dear, Without bending it will break Come closer, child, Forage, find out, A secret revealed holds no allure, Can there be passion without desire? Cry out, darling, There is no succor without want. Lament, True joy is paired with mourning Hunt for me, honey, There’s no seeking What’s been found Preserve paradox, Precious treasure, For only she who loses her life Will find it.”
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Hey, you. I'm glad you dropped by...I'm a busy mom of three asking hard questions about my faith. Archives
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